Pure, untainted, flickering love
Set forth upon the road
A blaze that grew so captivating
It left marks upon the soul

Sweeping, twisting hearts unite
Their souls like roots entwined
Constant love like rays of light
A bond no one could divide

Sailing away on a blissful wind
Apart, but not for long
The seas grew harsh and doomed the boat
Sinking, slowly to the siren's song

Nestled in the bed of the sea
With final, exhausting breaths
Cease peacefully beneath the waves
Star crossed lovers lay their hearts to rest

Love seared upon their hearts
Never forgetting that tragic day
Now ghosts are what remain
Reminders of the scars of yesterday

Ashes carried in the wind
Breathy whispers, Blurry dreams
Pure, untainted, flickering love
Images of what might have been...

So I've been skimming through my entries over the last few years.
Man, I can't believe I've had this blog THAT long.
And although I'm not much for writing poetry these days.
I've once again fallen in love with some of the things I wrote back in the day.
I also found things that I don't even remember writing...imagine that.

I'm not going to fill this entry with empty promises of blogging daily or finishing my vampiric choronicles (that project is going to stay with the uh....undead).

I am very glad that I have something to look back and read and see how I've grown. No matter if anyone else reads it, I'm glad I did the writing.

The last few weeks have been a blur.....

Sleeping

nursing

Changing TONS of poopy diapers

I haven't hardly talked to anyone....

Ha! I had to blog about this....

So apparantly Walmart.com has started a new area where you can upload pictures to their website and invite a "group" of people to share them with. Everyone can look at each others pictures and order off of them. Which is a great concept and I understand why people use it. However, I have tried to upload thing on Walmart.com and the way their upload system works it makes me want to scream and pull my hair out. Why? Well honestly it should frustrate anyone who doesn't want to spend the better part of their day uploading pictures. 1) The website is slow. 2) You can only upload one picture at a time. 3) The amount of screens you have to go through to order 1-4x6 is REALLY annoying. 4) Every 5 seconds they try to sell you something (I just want to order a few pictures and then get off your damn site!). 5) My photo files are larger than the average bear and have to be resized before they can be uploaded. NOT something I have time to do.

The reasons listed above are probably not so annoying or important to the average person, but for someone who is used to software designed to SAVE you time instead of WASTE it, it makes you want to stab the person who designed the site. In general, if the software frustrates me I don't use it...the same goes for websites.

So on to my reason for the rant....

Included in the population of "people who think walmart.com is wonderful" is Brandon's sister, grandmother and mother. They constantly send me invites to their group to look at the lastest pictures of their dogs. Mimi asked me to start uploading my photos to their group site. When I told her the site literally made me want to hurt people, she started hounding my husband to upload them for me. It isn't the fact that they want me to put my pictures on their group site, it is the fact that they won't take NO for an answer. Also, some of the pictures that they wanted are copyrighted to another photographer and it would be really rude of me to just put his pictures up on someone else's site and assume that it was okay. And call me selfish but I think it is a little degrading to ask a professional to upload their pictures to a consumer site... I know they don't mean to offend me, they just want the convenience of the site, but damn it is annoying.

So I'm going for a happy medium...I'm uploading all of my photos to my website so they can see them and order if they want. They will have the convenience factor and I can still have control over the pictures.

My water broke at 8:00am on Sunday morning. It came as a relief for me that I would NOT be making another failed trip to the hospital. I took a shower, then woke Brandon to tell him the news. We left the house at 9:00am.

After a quick trip to What-a-burger we arrived at the hospital around 10:00am. Brandon was starving and we both didn't seem to be in much of a hurry. The nurse in the exam room had to make sure that my water had broken (like I would have been leaking fluid all morning for no reason). And after she checked me she said, "I think you are going to stay and have a baby." That was kindof a "duh" statement, but nice to hear anyway.

My midwife arrived shortly after we got settled into the "birthing suite." Man, I loved having her. She knew how to make me comfortable even when I didn't know what I wanted. It literally seemed like no time at all and she checked me again to say that I was fully dialated. The real time had probably been about two hours or so. Transition was sortof a break for me. I remember people rustling around, softly preparing for my baby. I think I pushed for maybe thirty minutes. It didn't seem like very long. I remember my midwife telling me that she could see my baby's head and that he had dark hair. A few more pushes and I got to deliver him and hold him for the first time. It was 1:09pm. Total time at the hospital: 3 hours 9 minutes. Next time we are going to hurry a little more...especially if second babies come faster.

It is amazing that no matter how beautiful you think your child may be, they still blow you away. The fact that he is his own little person and yet we can see glimses of us in him. The first thing I noticed was this little dimple on his right cheek. He shows it off everytime he smiles at me now. His hair is dark, but is blonde underneath and the blonde part seems to be getting thicker. His eyes are lightening and I think they will stay blue. He's such a happy baby and is generally content unless he's a) hungry, b) dirty, c) needs to burp. He has my fingers and Brandon's feet. I think he may have my eye shape, but they squint up like Brandon's when he smiles.

It is nice to feel skinnier, but I definitely miss the cute belly. I now understand that it takes an extra hour to get a 9 lb. person ready to leave the house. And the Parental Law that says you may remember everything for baby but you will ultimately forget your own coat (or random article of clothing). My sister says that "the house may be quiet, but all hell will break loose when mommy goes in the bathroom," I experienced that trying to take a shower this morning.

Oh, and giving birth completely natural is not nearly as painful as people make it out to be. Either that or the world is full of wusses....

 

An update about what happened after my last blog...

Thursday was pretty uneventful. I went shopping and then walked around Mitch Park with my sister and sister-in-law. Friday was Centennial Day so we went to see the parade (also involving more walking). I started feeling weird, like tired and achy and sorta feverish after the parade so we went home. On the way, contractions were stronger and definitely coming regularly. I called Brandon and we went rushing to the hospital. False alarm again.... Damn it. I cried all the way home.

Saturday, I went to a friend's baby shower. Then Annie and I went walking for an hour and a half. I went home and took a shower, then watched a movie. I started getting really restless about 10:30pm. Brandon was already asleep, exhausted from the day. I started pacing the house and compulsively doing stretches. Then I went to bed.

So I'm up at the crack of dawn. If you've ever wondered what time that is....it is 4:08am. Why is that? Because any light outside is almost non existent, even with the stupid daylight savings time getting lighter earlier. Apparently not this early. The lights from Edmond are far off in the distance, so for now the computer monitor is my sunrise.

I went for my baby appointment yesterday morning and it turns out, we are progressing! 4.5 and 75% (if you understand the numbers game). I was worried that I would be stuck at a certain number for weeks on end. I've been running around alot lately, so last night I spent relaxing. My sister and her husband have lifegroup (wed. night church) so I took the time alone to take a nice long shower, get into bed early and watch some movies.

All the while, NOT paying too much attention to my contractions. I made sure they weren't coming along too fast, but I didn't want to obsessively time them the whole night. They are definitely starting to feel different. Which in my mind is a good thing cause the ones last week were not doing anything, so different is hopefully more progressive. I slept well, but that may be why I'm up so very early. Which all of you who know me will agree, I am not a morning person, at all.

So why blog this early? Hmmmmm, perhaps my mind is restless and needs to be heard. I've been thinking lately, about the whole spiritual aspect of being born. Experiencing the miracle of life, one that cannot be duplicated. I have the weirdest sense of peace, understanding and anticipation of what this day may hold. I can truly say that I don't have any fears or anxieties about birthing my son. I am anticipating it to be a smooth and peaceful journey that I will never forget. Something that will be in the highlights when I look back at my life someday.

I don't think I've really spent much time thinking about what it will be like to be someone's mom. It is such a big responsibility and yet people do it everyday. Some better than others though. It is really easy to judge other people and not realize that you have no idea how to handle that until you are in their situation. I guess I can worry about the parenting stuff after he gets here. I am grateful to have a wonderful, loving husband that will be helping with that.

Speaking of my husband, I was bragging on him yesterday. About how supportive and sweet he has been through the whole pregnancy process. I think it makes a huge difference in your self image, when your husband thinks you are just as sexy with a belly as you are without. And when you are a little worried about the stretch marks you've gotten, he simply tells you that it doesn't matter. It makes me feel good to have someone who is that kind of crazy, over the top, excited about having a baby. He actually did a happy dance when I told him I was pregnant.

I am in a sort of reflective, complacent state. Trying not to anticipate too much, yet feeling that today may have great results. I think I'll do some laundry now.

I think I may miss being pregnant....

False Labor

Is the most annoying kind of labor there is...
Cause you get all excited and you time the contractions and everything is how they told you it would be.
Then you get to the hospital and you wait....
Then they ask you a million questions...
And probe you a bit and then tell you that you aren't progressing.
Then they make you wait some more.
And you just want to go home if nothing is happening, but they haven't told you much of anything.
Another hour...
Check again and then say the words you expected in the beginning...
Yeah, go home and see if it starts back up.
I was exhausted just from waiting....

So we went to IHOP and then went home.

Little boys are crazy wiggly. it cracks me up to see my belly bouncing and contorting with all his movement. Especially now that he's decided to declare that he's awake. I don't really mind it, but it is just silly to feel this little being inside you going at it with all his limbs. It doesn't feel like anything you would expect. At first it was weird and alien like...especially when there would be a foot shape protruding out of your belly during stretches. Now it is just comforting to know that my little boy is moving around. Besides, it is very entertaining for those around you when your belly starts shaking like Santa Clause.

I have a feeling he will get the Devine sleepy gene. Everyone is always trying to wake him up to "play" and for the most part he really doesn't seem to care. He plays when he feels like it. The only person who really can wake him up is my midwife when she's checking his heart beat and I'm sure it is because she has had lots of practice.

I keep trying to decide what he will look like. I'm almost certain that he will have light hair and lots of it. Maybe that is what I pictured when we decided on his name, but somehow it seems perfect. I really want him to have blue eyes, I don't know why, I love Brandon's green eyes too. I think it is probably because I was the only child out of seven who got blue eyes and it would be nice for my baby to get them. I'm sure he'll be a perfect mixture of both of us, but it will be nice to finally see him.

Brandon set up Logans crib yesterday. I washed all the bedding and it looks so cute all put together. It is a big crib for such a small person, but since we don't have a cradle anymore (long story...my parents took it back when they disowned me), it will have to do. I have everything organized in our room, all the little tiny clothes and diapers and baby things. Brandon saw me packing the diaper bag (I'm trying to be prepared) and told me that the newborn diapers were going to be too small. I actually had to hold them up to my belly to show him that compared to our baby they really weren't that big.

I've decided that step parents and in-laws are wonderful to have. Brandon's dad and step mom have been extremely caring and supportive and have been sending cute little clothes for us. His mom and mimi have also been great, they try and call and show their love as much as possible. Not all of them know the whole situation of what's happening on my side of the family, but they are reaching out to us anyway. Of course, my siblings are great. They understand the craziness that surrounds our family and have been blessings to me all along.

It is nice to have people that are excited about your pregnancy. I've had too much negativity for way too long. What a relief that I don't have to deal with it much now.